Waste Not Wednesday: The Discomfort of it All

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over because we feel uncomfortable
-Massive Attack

My right eye is swollen, my face is breaking out like a teenager, my allergies are forcing their way into my face & my back hurts as if i have been sleeping on the floor. I am physically uncomfortable. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be seen in public. All I want is to lay in bed with a hot towel on my eye, a gagillion cups of coffee, eat cereal and watch netflix.

And even though it sounds glorious and it technically IS an option and I could call in sick to work... I can't. Meaning, I WONT. Because there is no accomplishment in that. I am not in PAIN- I am merely uncomfortable. And while this is just a physical representation of discomfort, we all know it comes in many varieties. We've all been uncomfortable before. But there is a reason. It challenges us, forces us to learn & grow.

We all deal with discomfort differently. Some run & hide, some get defensive, some embrace it, and some CHASE it. At some point, I believe we all need to chase discomfort. To find the situation that is going to make us uneasy, feel awkward, get nervous & freak out- and then champion that situation. Make it ours.

We could all sit around with a hot towel on our faces and ignore the world forever- but where's the challenge? How will anyone benefit from that?

The world is made better by the people taking chances. The people willing to live in discomfort. The people chasing it, daily. The people finding comfort in the discomfort.

Really, this isn't about my swollen eye, millions of zits, snotty nose and sore back at all. But putting myself out there, and making myself vulnerable is just a start of how I am chasing discomfort today.

Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it's a small price to pay for living a dream.
-Peter McWilliams

you oughtta know

Waste Not Wednesday:What Makes a King out of a Slave

Courage.


I am in a pretty huge season of change as of late. And mostly it has been natural, and flowing. Nothing really standing in my way. But it can't always be that easy. Begin:today.

Today I am being reminded that in order to completely realize the change, you need a giant amount of courage. There will be a point in all forward motion where you will get stuck. Even though you welcome the change completely and are trucking along just fine, you WILL get to a point where you find yourself sick with fear. Fear of the unknown, how what you are doing will affect those around you, or that you might be making a terrible mistake.

Enter: The Wizard of Oz




When I started thinking about the topic of courage, Wizard of Oz was obviously the first thing I thought of. And when I really let it all sink in I came to two realizations.
1- I could write about this movie all day (but i wont)
2- Dorothy came across these characters in the perfect order. Each one of them was in need of something. That one thing that was going to complete them. But in reality it was Dorothy who needed to find all of those things for herself. And we are ALL Dorothy.

Dorothy meets the Scarecrow first- when she doesn't know where to go. She needs direction. She needs knowledge. She's lost. And hey, scarecrow needs a brain. fancy that.

She meets the Tin Man next, after being attacked & tempted by those nasty trees and their rotten apples. And while Dorothy is not lacking in the heart department, per se, it IS the fact that the Tin Man NEEDS a heart, that hers is proven, when she suggests to Scarecrow to invite the Tin Man along.

And of course, when fear of the unknown & scary forest is upon our lady, She meets the Lion, who of course needs courage.

So here we stand. In the face of change. We know things here are going to be different. We want something grander. We need to get to our own Emerald City. First we need to know which way to go. What our best options are, and even take a chance on one path vs. the other. After we decide which way to get where we're going, we realize that we absolutely positively HAVE to have the heart for it. Without heart, there is no hope. And just when we thought the path we've chosen was the right one- we come across the scary dark forest of doubt. And it's in the face of doubt that we MUST have courage. Courage to TRUST that our brain & our heart are working together to guide us. Courage to face the darkness that lies just before the Emerald City.

And of course, once you realize that you already have all the brains, heart & courage it takes to make the journey- the only thing left to do is USE THEM.


Today I have been challenged. I know my path. My heart is ready for the change. And I stand at the entrance of a dark forest, scared of the things that may be hiding in it, and courage is my only way out. COURAGE is what will keep me from wasting everything I have been given.

Waste Not Wednesday

My iPod can do magical things. Today it played me a song. One song to inspire what I can only hope will become months & months worth of inspiration & challenge.

Am I a fool at this late date
To heed a voice that says,
You can be great

I heard it young, now I hear it again
It says, you can be better than you've ever been

Don't want to waste what I have to give
In all of the time that I've left to live
Don't want to waste what I have to give
In any of the time that I've got left
I can do more than I thought I could
Work brings more luck than knocking on wood
There's random bad and random good
Work brings more good luck

You ask the world
And the world says, no
It's the world's refrain
Mine says, go
You ask the world
And the world says, no
It's an old world refrain
Mine says, go

Don't want to waste what I have to give
In all of the time that I've left to live
Don't want to waste what I have to give
In any of the time that I've got left
I can do more than I thought I could
Work brings more luck than knocking on wood
There's random bad and random good
Work brings more good luck

Better be off
I've got dreams to dream
Though it seems uphill and a little extreme
If I can find hope in this fading light
Then I'll find you on the morningside

-John Gorka "Morningside"

I struggle a lot with accomplishing goals. Actually, I don't ever really set goals for myself. I have always felt limited by setting goals. Because of that, I rarely feel accomplished. Always dreaming, never doing. But this song hit me today. It's a simple message really, and I think right now the things I find most profound, are actually the simplest.

I know I was made for bigger things than what I am doing. I can always do more, and I always want to. But being honest with myself, means admitting that I am wasting what I have to give. And I don't want to do that. No longer.

I think we all have a bit of wastefulness in us. When something is too hard, or too inconvenient, or too time consuming, or too much work- we just let the opportunity go. We don't work for more. We settle with what we are doing. And by doing that, we are wasting what we have to give in this world. I, for one, know I could be doing a lot more.

From here on out, I proclaim every Wednesday "Waste not Wednesday". To inspire & encourage us ALL not to waste what we are given. Not to let our talents, desires, & goals sit idly by. To take steps toward accomplishment, fulfillment & inner peace. To LEARN about ourselves so we can know what it is we have to give. We all have the power to make this world a better place. We all have all been given individual gifts to lavish upon the rest of the world. Why are we letting them get dusty? What are we waiting for? What are we afraid of?

I heard it young, now I hear it again
It says, you can be better than you've ever been

True Words on a Sunday

check it

check it

check it

Right in this moment this order's tall

After just coming off a few great weeks of inspiration- receiving news today that my trip could not last as long as I was hoping it would was somewhat discouraging.

...& due to the emotional tendencies that have been passed down to me, I of course cried.

Adulthood an responsibility just never seems to get easier for me. And after running to solitude to examine my heart & mind for a while, I came to a solid conclusion.

(check it)

I thrive on change. I cannot stand still. Stagnancy is not and never will be an option for my life. So when the forward motion I find myself in get's threatened and I find myself backsliding- I get overwhelmed with frustration. The life I have in Maryland over the summer always promotes growth & inspiration- and to think of myself going back to the same exact life I left in San Diego with nothing changing, makes me feel sick.


I was not made to stay still. I was made to move, change, and go forward at every possible moment.




So in the face of stillness, I shall move.

(check it)

The words I keep repeating to myself over and over:

I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

This is my chance... to not only move forward while standing still, but to persevere in my ongoing lesson with patience.

Everybody Has A Hungry Heart

I wanted to play bass.
I got a bass.
I don't play the bass.

I wanted to edit video.
I learned how to edit video.
I don't edit video.

I wanted to quit smoking.
I told myself it's my last cigarette.
I bought another pack.

I have a problem.

I can't follow through.

I think too much.
I don't do enough.



I come up with ideas. I talk about them. I plan them out. I make lists. I look up information. I take notes... and then,



crickets.



nothing.


I lack motivation. I lack discipline. Everything is better in my head.

I wonder where I got this curse.



I have huge IDEAS for my future... and at this rate, that is all they will ever be.

Ideas.

Tears and Fears and Feeling Proud

January was an eventful month.

Let's recap a bit...

I spent New Years alone, just how I had hoped I would.
I got my own apartment.
My amazing sister came to visit & help me move into said apartment.
My fantastic brother came to visit and help me fix up/decorate & break in my new apartment.
I learned much...

...about myself, my family, and just life in general.

Having my sister & dearest friend with me as I started this "new chapter" in my life is more than I could have ever asked for. And it's not just because I had someone to help me haul my 500lbs of vinyl, 200lbs of CD's, & 200lbs of clothes up a flight of stairs. But because she get's me. She knows I set a goal for myself. She knows how much it meant for me to reach it. She is insanely proud and happy for me. Because she would sleep on the floor with me in my new place since I didn't have a bed yet. She is the one person who I can trust to go out the day after I move in and get stuff I need/want for my place while I work. Because she knows I need tissues, and Lipton noodle soup, a bottle opener, toilet paper (even if it wasn't the kind my butt likes), ranch dressing, Oreo thin crisps, & pork chops and potatoes for dinner. She is the one person I can trust to alphabetize my CD collection and THEN put them in chronological order. I literally can't imagine moving into this apartment without her, and I'm glad I don't have to.

And not but 12 hours after dropping my sister off at the airport, I got to pick up my brother for his 2 week stay. It was this visit that gave me my goal in the first place. I told myself I would be in my own place before Adam came to visit. His trip had been planned since I left for San Diego in September. He turned 18 & graduated High school within 4 days of one another. This trip was his.

Every time I hang out with my brother I am more and more impressed with how much he has grown up. This time was no different. I am almost at a loss for words. Spending 2 weeks with my brother was probably the best way to break in this new place. Both of us at a certain 'turning point' in our lives, and being able to share it, and just enjoy each others company was outstanding. He needed it. I needed it. I took him on his first college visit, and now there is a chance he will be coming to San Diego for school. We went to the zoo, saw a PGA tournament, watched TONS of stupid movies, created art together, and he helped me put together more pieces of my apartment. He endured shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond, Wal-Mart, & countless thrift stores just for me. And literally every day made me realize more and more of what a wonderful brother, human being, man, son & friend he has grown into. And as I hugged him goodbye at the airport yesterday morning, I cried uncontrollably. Every bone in my body just wanted him to stay and hang out more. I cried the whole way home from the airport. Not just because I was going to miss him- but because I am SO proud of him. Everything he stands for, and how much of an adult he is. He may just now be an adult by society's standards, but he has been an adult for many years before he turned 18.

Then something clicked- which in turn, made me cry more. Because there I was, feeling so sad that my brother had to leave me after we had such a great time together, and I remember how just one month earlier a family very close to mine suffered terrible tragedy. How a brother was lost... and then I remember how a sister was lost many years ago. And I feel selfish.

I have 2 of the best siblings a girl could ask for. (and i didn't ask for either of them. ha) But they are mine. And to think about losing either is just...well, i can't do that.

And all I can do at this point is to be grateful. Grateful that the tears I shed when I drop my siblings off at the airport are for just that.

It's a lesson you constantly have to re-learn. Gratefulness for life, and love & the time you have. And sometimes it takes terrible things happening to make you remember.


So after all of that I sit here. Alone. Just as I wanted. Missing my siblings. Missing my family. Thinking about all of those people out there who have no choice but to miss their loved ones, and feeling Grateful that I can miss my family.

Top of the World

My roomate Elyse & I grew up with different traditions- which i could delve into, but there is only one that is important now.

Christmas Tree Decorations.


The major of these differences are
A-Elyse does colored lights (and a LOT of them) where I do ONLY white, and minimal.
B- Elyse does flashy things like garland and tinsel where I would be one to string Popcorn & cranberries.

why does this matter? well I'll tell you of course.

Seeing as I am living with Elyse, when it came time to decorate the christmas tree, i knew i was going to have to make some sacrifices (like i had in the past when living with Elyse). HOWEVER- this year a gift was bestowed upon Elyse of $100 for a Christmas tree. And in a brief moment of selflessness(this was meant to be a joke, and after being told it was mean- i need to clarify that. Elyse has more than just brief moments of selflessness), Elyse decided to let me use a portion of this gift certificate to purchase my VERY own tree. It's a "not quite charlie brown, not quite griswald" size tree.

the very same size i purchased myself 2 years ago, when living in a little beach bungalo.

this means i got to decorate my little tree my very own way.



A few things about my tree: #1- no tree is complete without a Hanging Santa. It's a tradition at my home, that we rotate who gets to hang "hanging santa". It's a special honor, and most people jump for joy when it is their turn. SINCE i am not at my home, and i don't possess THE hanging Santa- My fabulous sister bestowed upon me this special hanging Santa. Straight from the heart of Savanna Georgia, which she acquired on her Magical Southern Christmas tour (another, yet fairly new, tradition)

#2- I love my siblings. Enter, special sibling ornaments, again, given to me by my fabulous sister. One to represent each of us. Grace, Emily & Adam.


#3-of course there is the treble clef :)
#4-Let's talk about the top. 2 years ago when I put up my first very OWN tree, I realized i lacked a tree topper. I frantically whipped together a star made out of leftover fabric, a coat hanger, stick on rhinestones and a Styrofoam cone. When i pulled out my Christmas decorations this year, I realized that topper was not going to cut it.

In attempt to bring a little bit more of my families tradition to my own So-Cal Christmas, I decided I needed an angel for the top. (another duty that is rotated between my family members).

So, i thought. And I decided that the only thing I could do was make one. So I did.

And now, I bring you, the 100% Recycled/Repurposed Christmas Angel:

Made entirely of materials found in this house.
1 2 liter soda bottle, plastic shopping bags, yarn from a blanket i messed up, glue, a cork, some paint and the wire hanger from LAST years topper.



so there it is. I am very proud of my angel, my tree & my traditions.

the mold & the beautiful

one year ago today I was getting on a plane. From San Diego to Baltimore. One way.

one year ago I packed up my belongings and tucked them away into a friends garage.

I spent the day,today, going through said belongings & material possessions that got left behind.

I had prepared myself to CHOOSE some things to get rid of. To lessen my load so to speak. To purge.

Well, that happened. But I really had no choice. A(nother) lesson in letting go.

Photos, CD's, Books- Ruined by mold. And although the final count of things destroyed wasn't as bad as it could have been, it sure was tough.

You see, this stuff happens. you keep it around for too long- and it gets tucked away in someones basement, garage, or attic- and it get's moldy. And as much as you would love to continue to hold on to that, some things just need to be thrown out.

I have no room for mold in my life.

There Will Come a Time You'll See

Mistakes usually turn into decisions.
Even when the mistakes are someone Else's.

I am an observer of people. I have the ability to knowingly learn from other peoples mistakes, missteps & problems. Not to say I have not made my own, because boy have I, but there is a certain beauty in knowing that you can learn a lesson from just watching someone else struggle. To say "i see what's going on here. I won't let myself do that"

Even more so, when you and people who are close to you make mistakes and recognize them, they usually end up turning into a decision. A decision to be better, to not make the same mistake, to not do what caused the mistake to be made in the first place. To analyze the situation, grow and learn. Honestly, that's what I love about life.

Shit happens. But if you pay attention, and realize what went wrong, you have all the power in the world to change that. To think differently, to do differently, and hopefully encourage those around you to do the same.

As I watched Dexter last week (which was an AMAZING episode) i felt connected. inspired. refreshed in my thoughts.

(spoiler alert if you have not seen it and want to)

a little back story of the clip: Dexter is currently helping Lumen (Julia Stiles) get some "revenge" on a group of men that kidnapped her, attacked, and raped her continuously. They had plans to kill her until Dexter came along and unknowingly saved her by killing the one guy who was keeping her captive. In the garbage bags, is one of her attackers

She is hesitant to drop the bag, even knowing that what she gains from doing so is her freedom. Freedom from the haunting thoughts of being attacked & raped. Freedom from the idea that the men that did that to her are out there. But sometimes you just feel like holding on to something. Without it, what do you have? Because holding on is much easier than moving on... and then you let go- The smile on her face proves how rewarding it is.

It has been my ongoing theme with my life as of late, to "Let Go". There is so much power in those words. So much truth, and possibility.

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
-Frou Frou


then we can fling wide the gates
let go the last of our hate
then we can sigh
like the cool clear wind up high
through the sky above
-Over the Rhine


it took a while to understand
the beauty of just letting go
-Patty Griffin

I try to remind myself to let go constantly. Let go of jealousy. Let go of anger. Let go of the past. Nothing positive will ever come out of holding in negative feelings, emotions, situations. It's just not worth it.

It's hard, but in the end- it's the only option. It's the ONLY way to move forward.

and I'm only going forward.