Here in San Diego, there are two months everyone dreads. May & June. They tend to be overcast, cloudy, and dismal. May Grey & June Gloom, they're called. You may have heard these terms before. So far, however, we're about 8 days into May and, as much as I can recall, the sun has been quite prominent. No grey here...In terms of weather, anyway.
Rewind a bit-
In November I turned 27. Not long after that, It was revealed to me that being 27/the year 2012 was going to be a huge transitional period. It needed to happen, and it had already begun. Come January I finally decided to quite smoking. It was tough. I wined a lot, but I did it. Soon after that the subject of Lent had entered my mind. It wasn't too far off, and so I began to think of things I should give up. It was around the same time I had been watching just a bit of Net-Flix at night and was into the old show by Morgan Spurlock "30 Days"- In which he plucks people out of their nice comfy environment and puts them in a situation which is so drastically different from what they are used to for 30 Days. The point being so plant the seed of change in these people. To open their eyes to the other side and realize that the way they have been doing/thinking about things is NOT the only way, and hopefully they gain a little respect for the "other side" in the process. It didn't last long- but the idea was terrific. So,taking from the idea of the show & Lent, I came up with a plan for myself. I decided to start a yearlong "fast". Every month would be something new. I was made aware that there are plenty things in my life that I have become somewhat dependent on, or do in excess. And since I had already beasted quitting smoking, I figured I could do anything. It started with getting off Facebook for the whole month of February, mo meat in March, and in April I went 30 days without Alcohol.
Which brings us to May. Like I said earlier, the clouds in San Diego have not reared their ugly little heads yet. But the "grey" surely has. My brother had been living with me since last August while he attended school out here. That part of his life was coming to a close, and my Sister/Best Friend ever flew out to San Diego to drive back to the East Coast. After Brother & Sister left in late April I was left alone, again, in my apartment. The one thing I wanted so badly before, was now my worst nightmare. (maybe a tad over-dramatic) I was sad & lonely but also knew that I was tempted to have a beer- but I didn't. I only had one week of no alcohol to go, and it proved to be a lot easier than I had imagined it would be. I had decided that May would be my month of no coffee. I also decided that no coffee should ultimately mean no caffeine. Because just as much as I am a slave to the act of drinking the coffee, I'm sure my body is also slightly addicted to the drug. (this was my very naive though going into the month)
One single day without caffeine and I was ready to die & be taken home. At work that day, I could barely open my eyes. I was done. The next day was my weekly breakfast day with a friend, in which, normally, we sit around for an hour or so talking over COFFEE. This day sucked as well. I woke up, dragged myself out the door, had breakfast & drank water while my friend powered through his bottomless cup of delicious magical coffee. I then returned home, about and hour and a half after I had awoke, and went straight back to bed. For about 4 more hours. The following days were equally as traumatic. Sleeping until 12 or later. Waking up. Doing nothing. Forcing myself to get dressed/shower/go to work. I thought about it, and these are signs of depression. I just can't find the motivation to do anything other than things I HAVE to do.
I am also, now, in the process of moving back to the East Coast. A decision I made in mid April. So not only is my apartment lonely (because my brother no longer lives with me) but it's a WRECK and becoming baron. I am slowly getting rid of all my stuff. Putting the non-essentials in boxes, and living pretty minimally. Add this state of living to the lack of caffeine, and tons of teeny little (what would otherwise be non-)problems, and you have my current state of BEING- which in one word, i am describing as "UGH".
Enter today. When I wake up feeling again, physically demolished(bordering on sick), mentally drained and overall just craptastic. I finally decided to roll over & open my eyes around 11:45 this morning. I laid there for another couple minutes relating this feeling to being stuck in a valley. A valley with a HUGE mountain to climb ahead of me. I thought about how life could easily be related to a series of mountains and valleys, and I would once again get to the top. But at this point it seemed like such a daunting task (and I certainly couldn't do it without caffeine) But then.... I heard it. One of the most inspiring songwriters in my life, singing what has continued to be, one of the most inspiring verses of my life. And here it was again, repeating quietly in my head, at the perfect moment. Again.
"Climb Up.
Over the Top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out, for Yourself,
Whether or not You're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake It
Take control.
And inevitably wind up, finding for yourself,
All the strength that you have inside of You"
-jason.mraz. I mean. sheesh. Could it get any more perfect?
Figure it Out. Shake off the Dust. Take control of the fear & Climb up the stinkin' Mountain.
